What’s it Like to Have a Mixed Race Baby in China?

“Beautiful” a woman mutters in Chinese when she sees my daughter. It’s probably the fifth time we’ve heard that in 30 minutes during a walk through the mall near our house.

My daughter, Leah, is 11 months old. Her father is Chinese and I’m a mix of a bunch of European ethnicities. My Mom told me once that I’m English, Irish, German, Danish, Dutch, French, Native American (the odd one out here), Belgian, Scottish and Dutch. So, let’s just call me white.

People in China think that half white babies are special creatures, something like a unicorn. Since I moved to China I found that people stare at me less and less over time, but since I’ve had Leah that has shot way up. It’s even more intense than when I first arrived. Over time I think the staring at foreigners, like myself, had decreased because there are more foreigners in Nanjing, people have more exposure to Western media and I have admittedly gotten older (maybe not as cute as I was before). However, everything has changed with Leah.

“She will be clever and beautiful” I started hearing when I was pregnant over and over again. I often would tell people, “I’ve seen ugly mixed babies” and they would deflate slightly, a little unsure as to how to respond. However, I honestly felt it was too much pressure for my unborn fetus. Everyone’s expectations were so high and I knew that being mixed isn’t special in itself. Being half white won’t make her better or different from other children. In China they call these babies “混血 Hùnxuè” which literally translates to “mixed blood”. People will come up to us frequently and ask us if she is a mixed blood baby.

Now that my daughter is here I have to say that I think she is perfect — beautiful and clever and sweet and funny and… Since I’m her Mom the list could go on and I think that is how it’s supposed to be. It’s ok for Mom to think their little baby is the most wonderful person in the whole world. I find it a bit problematic when everyone else thinks that she is so wonderful too because of the color of her skin, her hair and the shape of her face.

You might be thinking, “Wow, if everyone thinks your offspring is fantastic, what is wrong with that?” And you could be right. I certainly have trouble explaining my concerns to Chinese people, not all of them, but the more traditional ones. China is such a competitive place, partially because there are so many people, that having a child who is unique and praised all the time seems like a dream to most.

We’ve noticed that in cities like Shanghai and Beijing people don’t pay much attention to Leah. They definitely have more exposure to foreigners and mixed race people. In Nanjing, it seems that Leah is stared at a lot and I honestly we’re not sure how to deal with it. I haven’t taken her to a third tier city yet, but I imagine the reaction might be even more intense.

An older nanny of one of my friends told me that my daughter was almost perfectly beautiful, except for her nose. Her nose looks Chinese. I hear comments like this often. I feel there is some kind of “The grass is greener on the other side” syndrome going on here. I try to explain that people in the US often consider Chinese women to be very beautiful and she laughs and waves her hand. It doesn’t compute.

When we go out on the street people often comment on how white her skin is. “So white…” They say in awe. She’s not old enough yet to understand. She’s actually pretty shy now when we’re out in public. If people stare at her for too long she hides her face in my shirt. I have a friend whose baby is Half Italian and Half Chinese. He looks a bit like Leah. She told me that so many people were touching him when they went out that he now hates when people touch him that he doesn’t know. She said he bursts into tears when it happens.

I am accustomed to people thinking that my skin is really beautiful because it’s so white. “In America, people like to be tan.” I respond to someone in Chinese. “Some people think I look sick cause I’m so white.” I say to another. They look kind of confused, but normally respond by telling me, “In China, we love white skin.” I nod my head and walk away. I recently tested out the response, “I AM a white person.” and one cab driver laughed. The response I was hoping for. I was hoping they could see that it’s nothing special, it’s like being born any other color.

“Her eyes are so big” is another common comment from people and “Foreign Doll”. “Foreign Doll” is a compliment that people think they are giving, but I find it a bit weird. Someone once thought my husband was literally carrying around a doll and they gasped when she moved, since they didn’t expect a Chinese guy to have a foreign looking baby in a carrier.

Our babysitter is about 27 and comes over three afternoons a week to play with Leah. A few weeks ago she took Leah outside and an older woman came up to look at Leah. She started complimenting Leah in the usual ways for a very long time. Our babysitter noticed that the woman’s own grandson started to look a bit angry and jealous. She said to the woman, “You should love your own child the most” and came back home. We like having her babysit Leah because she just treats her like a normal baby and never compliments her for things like how she looks.

In the evenings, older women normally gather on street corners and in front of malls to dance. Sometimes the groups are men and women dancing in pairs, but more often it’s women practicing a choreographed dance. When I took Leah there she started to dance, wiggling up and down and feeling the beat. She was pretty adorable and within a few minutes a crowd of 30 people had gathered around and people started asking if they could take pictures. It all happened really fast. Then suddenly Leah burst into tears. I think it was the realization that 30 pairs of eyes were trained on her, a bit overwhelming for a baby. I quickly took her home and we try not to go to the square when it’s so packed.

For foreign babies in China it’s a similar experience. My friend is British and she has a blond haired blue-eyed baby. She told me that they can’t live in China too long because they’ve definitely noticed an effect on their daughter. When she goes up to people she thinks they should give her food and compliment her. When they went back to England she felt her three year old daughter was confused that people weren’t paying attention to her all the time.

We want our daughter to grow up in China and learn Chinese, but I worry that she will grow up with too much attention placed on her race and her looks. I worry that she will start to believe that these are the things that solely define who she is.

Have any of you had similar experiences in different countries? How do you help your children understand that all these compliments aren’t who they are?

Am I worrying too much?